Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Suck up to ‘em, Sreesanth!

The Indian media is picking on Sreesanth like a pride of lions attacking a calf. Aaj tak actually spent half an hour ridiculing his aggressive behavior. And god knows how many times they will telecast it.
They are right. We don’t need an aggressive bowler. Although he is arguably the best bowler India has right now, we must concentrate more on his bursts of aggression. We don’t need to take the Australians head on. We need someone who listens to all the sledging and feels happy about it. Someone whose reason-de-etre is to invite opponents to kick his ass and thank them for it. Aaj tak will be happy then.
Aaj tak would much like this sort of conversation:
Symonds: There is not much of a difference between the ball and your mom, mate. I thump both of them all over the park.
Sreesanth: Hey thanks mister. I am so grateful that of all the bowlers, you chose me for this treatment. As a show of gratitude, let me take my pants down and you can hit my ass with your bat. To please you and my Indian media even more, let me suck you before you hit me for a six off the next ball.
Spare the people who got balls, Aaj tak. Go get real news.

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Saturday, March 31, 2007

Sick of Pepsi Ads, sick of ourselves

Pepsi ads are sick. It seems that Pepsi owns the indian cricket team. We people are a bunch of asses. Did you really believe that we could have won the world cup? And yet we allowed Pepsi to brainwash us into believing that our cricket heroes are infallible. 
Shame on us. 

Saturday, December 23, 2006

This is Chino, I'll be assisting you today. Let me start by whipping my dick out for you.

Online technicians are assholes. I'll make this quick.

So i was trying to record a video the other day so i could put it on youtube; I borrowed a camera from a friend, got done recording the video, and plugged in the lexar memory card in the jack in the back of my roommate's laptop, but it wouldn't read it and i couldn't find a driver online either. So I clicked on this link on the lexar website that said "chat with an online technician now!" hoping to ask for a link for the driver. I copied the following conversation from the chat window:

Justin has entered the session.
chino: please give me a download link for a driver for this memory card.
Justin: Thank you for contacting Lexar. I will be assisting you today!
chino: ok
Justin: Are you using an impact SD card
chino: yes i am
Justin: Are you using an inbuilt card reader or a card reader?
chino: the slot in which the memory card goes in is inbuilt in my laptop
Justin: Do you have the card connected to the reader
chino: now i do,yes
Justin: Right Click on "My Computer" icon
Justin: Click on Properties
Justin: Click on Hardware tab
Justin: Click on "Device Manager"
chino: yes?
Justin: Click on the "+" sign next to "Disk Drives"
Justin: Is the Lexar card listed there?
chino: no, but it says i do have a "Secure Digital Storage Device" plugged in
chino: and it has an error reading it cause it has that sign with an exclamation mark in a yellow box on it
Justin: ok.
Justin: Right click on it and select "remove/uninstall"
chino: ok, i uninstalled it
Justin: Pleas unplug the card and see does the it disappears.

*At this point, i got pretty sure that this guy was just like those one of those 'technicians' i talked to before who didn't know fuck's worth about what theye were doing and who'd make me do random things they pull out of their asses. But I played along in hopes he'd give me a download link for the driver soon enough. Keep in mind, he took about 2 minutes for each of his responses.
Read on:

Justin: Please let me know if you are facing any difficulty in responding back to us.
chino: no, im not
chino: the sign that said"secure digital storage device" disappeared without me plugging the card out. when i plugged it out and plugged it back in,though, it came back again with the same yellow exclamation mark and i got a message saying that my device is installed but may not work properly till i reboot
Justin: Now please try to access the card under my computer.
chino: i cant access it cause theres no icon for it under my computer
Justin: Could you please confirm the operating system, are you working with windows media center?
chino: windows xp media center edition version 2002 service pack 2,yes
Justin: Have you tried the card previoulsy in this windows xp media center edition
chino: no
Justin: kindly contact the system vendor for any required driver.
chino: oh,thanks. so you dont have a link or any downloadable drivers online at all,right?
Justin: Sorry Jake.
chino: no problem, Justin. Although I must say that's a very keen peice of advice there, contacting the system vendor, I would have never guessed. And thanks for not giving me a straight answer at the beginning of this conversation saying you do not have a link for a driver when i asked you so in simple words.
Justin: Please give me a moment...
Justin: sorry Jake.
Justin: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Justin: If you have further inquiries, please don't hesitate to review our online support pages at http://www.lexar.com. Here you may find answers to many of the most common questions asked by our members.

For further assistance contact us at (510) 413-1275 during regular business hours, 7 A.M to 5 P.M PST, Monday through Friday.

Thank you for choosing Lexar. Have a nice Day.

*And now, i get this little pop-up window with one button on it so i can click and say "ok":

"Your agent is experienceing technical difficulties. Please login again to re-establish contact."

"Justin has exited the session."

They should have a shortcut button on their keyboards:

Thanks Lexar!!
Eat shit.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Bad Bribe, Good Bribe

Yesterday, I violated a traffic rule and was promptly caught by a traffic policeman. What happened next, you may already have guessed. Broadly, this is the sequence of events: He tells me that the fine is Rs.300 and takes out a book to book me. I plead, and he says 200 will do. I finally hand him a 100 rupee note. This, of course, took quite some time, and by the end of it, we had almost become friends. He asked me my salary, and I laughed in response.
His parting remark was that he gets 5000 rupees for his job, while I must be getting 20,000.
Some things come out of the incident:
1. That he is grossly underpaid, especially since he is around 35, and probably supports his wife and kids
2. That I deserved to be fined for the violation
3. If I have to pay the fine in any case, should I be happy to give the money to the govt. or to this policeman?
The answer is easy: the policeman. These are the reasons:
1. First and foremost, I am selfish, and would rather lose 100 than 300 rupees
2. Second, this guy gets some money for his needs. Thus, he too is a winner
3. If I give this money to the govt, I have no way of knowing if it will not end up in some minister’s pocket. Even if it is allotted for development purposes, only about 30 rupees will actually reach its intended destination. The rest will be eroded in the long process.
Now, is bribe such a bad thing?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

How to Sing Like Himesh Reshammiya : A tutorial

Himesh reshammiya is everywhere- Radio, TV, conversations, girls’ sighs, auto rickshaws, barbers’ shops, T-shirts, crush lists….
For those who always wanted to sing like him, but failed every time they tried, here is a step-by step tutorial.

Part1: Intro of the song
This is the first part of the song. There are no lyrics, and you have to sing oooohoooo… in a melody.
Step1: Think of a melody, or copy from somewhere. Better still, find some from different sources and mix them.
Step2. Now you have to produce the sound. To do this, first position your face as shown in the picture below.

Step3. Close your nose with one hand
Step4. Now let the sound come out through the nose. No, it doesn’t contradict step3. Just trust me and give it a try.
Step5. If you followed these steps honestly, you should now sound like himesh reshammiya..

Part2: The song
Just apply what you learnt above. This time, instead of oooohooohh, you will be singing the song.

That’s it! If you benefited from the tutorial, don’t forget to thank me. If you didn’t, you did not follow the steps correctly.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

The Das-Munshi Code

Priyaranjan Dasmunshi is highly envious of Arjun Singh. Now he also wants his share of controversy or attention. And what better way to do it than bringing "communal sentiments" into focus...The movie has come out at a good time for Dasmunshi.

On Reservations

By increasing the percentage of reservations, are we acknowledging that these castes are worse off now than they were 50 years earlier? In that case, what benifits has 50 years of reservations brought to India?

Curse of the Nurse: The Hospital Experience

A few days ago my body invited some pathogens from Saturn and offered them to stay inside it for as long as they wanted. They were thrilled and planned for a long holiday.
The result, as you could have guessed, was that I had to be admitted to the hospital. The doctors had seen no such disease, and could never detect their presence. On the contrary, the pathogens studied the different doctors who came to see me, and who merrily charged huge amounts for “consultation fees.”
But that’s not what I am here to talk about. The most unforgettable experience was that of nurses and injections. Every now and then I would wake up in the middle of the night, only to find a nurse on top of me. Only if it could stop there itself. Sigh.. And she would pierce my skin and inject some fluid. And I would go back to sleep.
These fluids came in all flavours: black, yellow, cold, warm, fast, slow, pain killer, pain giver, pain-giver-and-then-killer, etc etc.
I learnt a lot about nurses- the beings. I had always thought of them as soft-spoken keralites with a funny accent whose job was to keep patients happy and, of course, give them medicines. My perceptions have now changed drastically.
There was always a nurse at night duty. And the poor creature had to stay awake the whole night, even when everyone was sleeping. After spending some time on the mobile phone, and some on flipping patients’ papers, she was totally bored. Like you were bored on afternoons of summer vacations when you were in school. And I figure she had only one activity left to keep herself amused: Give injections. That would probably explain the frequent visits at nights. I suspect it was also a way of disposing off expired injections..
At day time, it was a different story. There were quite a few nurses, chatting happily while keeping an eye on the lift for signs of doctors. But then even at day time, they all had one vital function: giving injections
I had read, in 10th standard history, about cutting of the Chinese melon. How USA, Russia etc had their own “spheres of influence” in the country. Well only now did I grasp the full meaning of the phrase. The nurses had agreed upon their own spheres of influence- One took my left arm, another my right arm. The third one had my left buttock to herself. I don’t know how, and I am still intrigued, but my right buttock was left untouched. And another thing I learnt about them: Nurses are ferociously territorial animals. One *never* transgressed into another’s “sphere of influence”. One of them was so proud or possessive that she put a circle with a ball pen around the place she had punctured my skin.
One injection I remember particularly well. I had a mild back-ache and was not able to sleep. When I told a nurse about this, she offered to give an injection, but it would be a “little painful.” A gallant warrior that I am, I said that I could take pain. And then it happened. An excruciating pain. Which made me forget how cruel the world is, and how painful love can be, or how hell would be....
To their credit, the nurses always warned me before giving injections (if I was awake that is). They said, “I am going to prick you, and it will be a little painful.” Now, in all my sickness, I somehow found it very funny and gave them meaningful smiles. And I tried it with every one of them. But they seemed only confused. In a matter of seconds, my smile was transformed into sobs.
And then there was this blood test. The nurse had to take some of my blood, and had an injection ready in hand to suck out the blood. My vein was hidden deep inside my arm. The nurse then cajoled this vein to come out but rubbing it gently, tapping it, and wetting it. Well, the vein did come out. Little did it know what fate awaited it. The tragedy is that it allowed itself to be fooled again and again.
Well, the doctors did never find the pathogens. When their time was over, they bode a tearful farewell to my body, promising to come back whenever they found time. And the doctors proclaimed success. And I came home, the sweet memories in my heart..

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Class-Caste Exception

I was pondering over a few questions recently.
Is casteism relevant in our times?

Does it not unjustly divide people into different hierarchical levels, rather than unite us?

Does it not try to stop us (our elders, more markedly) from loving others as our own?

Is caste based reservation the right solution for providing opportunities for the down trodden? Why then do we still have down trodden and the hungry in the country?

why should people enjoy or suffer with a status forced upon them for being born in a particular family?

Does the label of "lower caste" OR "upper caste" and reservation for that label make people feel good/bad? Do caste based reservations truly empower people of "lower castes"?

Does it not degrade us?

Does it take our country ahead?

Does casteism make a commoners life happier?

Is there a point in declaring to the Govt or the public that you belong to some caste?

The whole idea seems hollow and misconceived
Not that I am a die-hard patriot, but then i still have these question. I may not well qualified to speak on this, but I have my opinions.

It raises a lot of strong emotions when there is the talk of reservations. I was stumped when i tried to figure out a sound logic behind reservations based on caste and its effectiveness Reservations based on caste makes a mockery of the concept of social equality. Should we not aim to provide equal opportunities for people irrespective of their caste and cultural ties.
Two negatives don’t make a right, reservations for people whose ancestors were wrongly suppressed is not the solution. I am reminded of Ben Kingsley’s dialogue in the movie "Gandhi", An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind

What can a child do about the caste or religion he is labeled at birth? Can you smell the caste out of a newborn's blood; can you determine or even predict it from someone’s genes?

Having our destinies depend on caste is like telling me that no of years left for me is determined by the no of times Arjun Singh scratches his nose tonight. Why should it matter what caste i am from when i am admitted to school or college? Why should it matter how rich or poor my family was or what traditions they follow, i should have equal opportunity to choose my destiny..

We should rather try to provide with equal educational opportunities right from primary education for kids with poor economic background till they finish their college. Knowledge IS power, I can see that.

Don’t we all pay enough tax to provide them with free education or education with scholarships depending on their economic condition? If not, I don’t mind paying more tax. Tax the rich people. I think the same logic should extend to basic health and food policies too, at least for the kids who are dependent on their economically poor parents.

This opportunity can inspire the kids to yearn for knowledge and there is a world of opportunities for people with knowledge. And when there is no reservation, there is a fair competition among the kids and it gets the best out of everyone. People are born equal; given equal opportunities to education anyone can go anywhere irrespective of their caste. People should feel empowered to control and steer their lives based on their thirst. That is when our country would move ahead in the synergy

Caste based reservations leads to a free for all fight among people of different castes to secure a better reservation, provides the political 'leaders' with just the right platform to polarize the people on caste and rule us by the age old technique of "divide and conquer".

It makes people of all castes insecure, leaves a deep gash of wound for various reasons and hatred for people of other castes for no justifiable reason. This is not often evident in people, at least in the south of our country. But think this feeling kind of settles in the back of everyone’s mind.

Caste based reservations destroy the harmony in the society. Caste is an attribute that needs to be dropped from all records to clear a lot of mind blocks and the social divide
more later.....